Day 97: Creative Avoidance

Let's be honest, creative avoidance is an art form that some of us go to great lengths to cultivate. I am the Queen of Procrastination. Need to call the doctor? Oh, not now... I have a toilet to scrub and a floor to vacuum. Need to check the bank balance? Not now, I need to check in on Facebook. Need to make dinner? Nothing sounds good, so I'll just nibble some cookies and... did I ever check my email? Better do that first.

Creative avoidance (a term I am shamelessly stealing from Joan) is another way of distracting myself from the Straight and Boring Path of Life I'm on right now. Nothing like throwing a meaningless curve into my day -- it's not like I have anything better to do. (You may need a towel to wipe off the sarcasm there.)

The problem is I am not comfortable with discomfort. I find it difficult to feel my way through sticky situations and would almost rather let my imagination run wild with What Ifs than deal with reality. Why is that? Usually the reality is so much... easier. Not only easier, but the reality is it will happen anyway and if I What If myself into an anxious panic, I'll be that much less prepared to deal with The Way Things Really Are.

I'm worth my sanity. It's insane to toss things into my own way as I go through life -- enough stuff is going to need my attention without me making it worse.

Day 96: Staying the Course

Today I just have a few random thoughts on keeping on track. My first thought is one of honesty and self-disclosure -- I am not good at staying the course! Oh, I have plenty of great ideas and fabulous intentions, but when my days start to run into one another and I can't see a glimpse of accomplishment, my staying power all but evaporates. So anything I have to say on this subject today needs to be read with that in mind. Maybe someday I'll have an epiphany and really get it.

I wish my life had a soundtrack. Have you ever noticed that even the boring parts of a movie at least have a background score? That score keeps the story moving and, just as we struggle to stay interested, fabulous editing and climactic music take us by surprise as we plunge into the next scene. Oh, if only my life were like this! I've tried turning on my iPod, but it's just not the same. But there's something to be said for at least attempting to construct a soundtrack. Maybe a soundtrack for chaotic days? One for boring days? One for chore day? Music has the power to move us physically and emotionally, not to mention spiritually. Music ought to be part of mucking through the boring parts of life -- maybe those parts wouldn't be as boring?

Boredom is yet another thorn in my side when it comes to my life. How on earth can I possibly ever be bored? There is teaching to do, grading to do, reporting to do, writing to do, chores to do, people to feed, stories to read, food to eat, bills to pay, love to embrace, God to worship, and a dog to pick up after -- when is there time to be bored? Ah! But that's just it. Boredom is as much a frame of mind as it can be lack of something to do. Truly I can say that I never lack something to do; it's all mental for me. Staying on task is a real struggle for me. Goodness, getting on track in the first place is monumental. (For the record, I'm fairly certain I do not have ADD. I think I have far too many choices and too many available distractions at my disposal. My pseudo-ADD is likely a result of living in American culture.) Most days I feel like I'm driving on an endlessly straight road with no trees, mountains, curves, cars, etc. to distract me -- and then I find myself veering off course to do wheelies and donuts in the grass next to the road. The problem with veering off course, of course, is that I sacrifice getting further down the road I need to travel.

Sometimes the problem has more to do with my life feeling like it's been put on pause while the other people in the household are on fast forward. Volume control is an issue in our house, too. The noise! Oh, the noise is paralyzing at times. It's tough to keep on task and stay focused with so much energy buzzing about.

Just how to relate this to my worth is a struggle. I'm not sure what the worth or value is yet. It's tied up in having worthwhile goals and dreams... but the specific "I am worth..." statement eludes me for now. It's difficult to be at peace with that unfinished business. AH! That's it!

Staying the course during the boring parts of life is learning how to make peace with unfinished business. Life isn't a movie (even an extended director's cut, lol) with a fabulous soundtrack and a neat, tidy ending in 120 minutes. Life is full of boring, unfinished business. There are parts of our lives that we will never see finished because the endings belong in someone else's life (thinking of the kids here). I still don't have a spiffy worth statement, but I'm a little closer to understanding how to gain peace with spinning my wheels. For now it's back to the grind.

Day 93: A Quiet Afternoon

Sometimes, as I mentioned before, things just come together. It's been an interesting few days: lots of chaos, lots of sibling rivalry, lots of books and plans to be dealt with, lots of allergies and coughing. Today could have been a very ugly day; instead, the day has been a rather pleasant, quiet sort. I find myself sitting here after lunch with two resting children, two children and a husband out of the house, and me just... sitting.

Just sitting. Sure, there's plenty to do, but I can actually just sit and savor the quiet without any guilt. This is new for me. I'm the girl who doesn't like to be alone, who leaves a television on for white noise, who tries to fold laundry, talk on the phone and read all at the same time. But today, something fundamental is different. It would seem my naturopath's homework assignment for me, still largely undone, is having an impact.

I cannot remember a Saturday in which I did not feel self-loathing for putting off some sort of work. Am I simply being kinder to myself? Yes. Am I seeing a clearer picture of what's reasonable? Yes. Am I making better choices in the way I spend my time? Yes. Am I perfect at all of this? No way!

I am worth cultivating some true peace and quiet in the midst of chaos. Let's face it: life doesn't have a pause button, especially in a family of six. The work I've done for the past three months is starting to pay off. It is work trying to rein in the desire for instant gratification, the temptation to procrastinate, or juggle the constant demands for my attention; however, even my imperfect attempts to organize the chaos are having a positive effect. Those attempts, even the smallest ones, build on each other with the end result being precious minutes in which I am completely free to just... exist.

Day 92: Good Friday

All I can say is that Jesus thinks I'm worth dying for. That's got to count for something.

Day 90: It's Never Too Late To Try, Try Again

It was almost a day of wasted effort: foggy thinking, no motivation, needy kids, and oh, so tired. The day, however, was salvaged. Somehow I managed to get my school books unpacked (I had ordered a bunch last week), checked against invoices, and stacked by my computer. They are now ready for input into my handy-dandy tracking program.

The thing is, I didn't start this project until about 3:30 this afternoon. A load of laundry did get done today, as did some baking... but on the whole the morning was not all that fulfilling. The afternoon, however, was salvaged and it feels so good. A good dinner even happened, complete with vegetables of multiple colors.

I am worth making the effort to persevere, even at the eleventh hour.

Day 89: Did You Get To The Doctor Yet?

Public Service Announcement

You need to go see your doctor, if you haven't yet this year. Have your well-woman exam and a physical. When your doctor asks you how you're doing, do not be polite -- be honest. Are you anxious? Say so. Are you irritable all the time? Say so. Are you forgetting too many things? Say so (write it down so you don't forget!). You need to take care of you or you will have no energy or health to spend on the people who matter to you... and those same people will not thank you for letting yourself run down.

* * *

I got a call from my own doctor a week ago; she was checking that I was getting bloodwork done. It was nice (read that: I had peace in my heart!) to be able to report that I did, indeed, have an appointment to get that lab work done. She also called to give me some initial results to the first round of hormone testing we did last month. Let's just say that my issues are not all in my head, they're in my hormones (and the lack thereof)! Nothing is fixed yet... but I'm on the way to getting well.

There is no point in finding my worth if I'm going to treat myself as though I am worth nothing. It's strangely validating to discover that I am dealing with real, physical, chemical problems -- it's darned hard to try to overcome character issues, depression issues and the like when my body is actively in mutiny. I am worth the struggle to fix my body -- then I'll really be able to see (well, see more accurately) who I really am.

Day 88: If It All Comes Together, It Will Also Come Apart

Hello, Monday.

A fabulous weekend could only be followed by a Monday. A busy Monday with monkey wrenches in my schedule and a failed dinner (someday I'll find a great gluten free pizza crust...). Don't get me wrong, my husband got home early and a lot got accomplished today -- it's just that it's Monday.

Despite the I'm-behind-again feelings, the overwhelming list to tackle, and the kids who need a close encounter with my duct-tape-as-discipline methods, I am determined to ride this Monday wave. A little perseverance will go a long way -- I don't have to get everything done this minute or even today. I just have to get something done and chip away at the rest. I am worth being reasonable.

To that end, my to-do list has two sides today: the must-do-today side and the must-do-soon side. Both sides are still fairly unrealistic (I'm trying, really...), but it's a good start at trying to re-prioritize within reason.