Day 151: This Really Is Harder Than It Looks

Good gravy, a week and a half has passed... how did that happen? My blog posting is starting to suspiciously resemble the rest of my life -- spurts of furious, frantic ideas and long bouts of staring off into space and accomplishing little. I am nothing, if not consistent in this. Should I be asking myself why, or should I just be content to ride out this quirk of my personality?

I was thinking about how much better I've been feeling lately. My tired is a different, more appropriate tired (as in it's more directly related to my level of busyness and less related to depression), my moods are more even (heck, I have moods, which is an improvement on its own), and I'm more restless when I've caught myself wasting time that wasn't meant for leisure. These are all great improvements, but I still haven't answered the why of how I got so depressed and lost in the first place.

Is it really all that beneficial to try to figure out depression or is it more important, at least in the short run, to learn how to ride it out?

Day 141: Change on the Horizon

There is change looming on my horizon, big change. This is the nature of life, I do realize, but it feels rather... daunting. As ever, there is much to do.

I will say that the dietary and supplement changes I've made have begun to make a tangible difference in my energy levels. There is still brain fog to deal with and the reality that I simply have too much to do all the time, but now I can actually make it to the end of the day without falling apart. And that sit-and-do-nothing-for-20-minutes homework? I love it! It actually feels like a gift to myself to shut my door and just relax for a few moments -- it's very refreshing. Exercising consistently still remains a lofty, unreached goal.

Changes, though, still need to be made. I need to get more brutal about the minutes I keep stealing from myself. The plan is to use my kitchen timer to keep myself on task. My hope is that I will regain some control over my lost minutes and also be a good example to my children. If I plan breaks into my day, maybe I won't be so tempted to "just check my email really quick." (We all know that "really quick" means an hour will pass without so much as a blink of the eye.) It's so tempting to hide from the many responsibilities I have, but it's never worth it at the end of the day.

I need to face impending changes in my 5 year old's schooling. He has apraxia of speech and we're scrambling to figure out the best way to handle therapy and academics -- we loved his preschool, but that time has come to an end. This sort of change is big and scary and full of "what if I make the wrong choice" worries. But worry, as my friend Jenni says, won't change the outcome. I need to just face the changes and make the best choices possible in the time I have.

What do these changes mean in terms of worth? It takes courage to see changes that must be made, especially changes with the potential to hurt while we heal part of our lives. It is going to hurt a little to work when I want to play. It's going to hurt a little to exercise and put other priorities aside so I can rest for a few minutes. It's going to hurt more than a little to go through another year helping my son to "fix his words." Even though these things upset me and scare me, I know that courage is fear that prays first. So I'll pray first, remember that nothing will happen today that God and I can't handle together, and then get on with the changes. I am worth cultivating courage. These changes are going to heal part of what's broken in my life.

May 21: When did she grow to be a beauty...

Well, today is big milestone day for Miss Emma...
Preschool Graduation.

She was so pretty... and had stage frieght. Came running to her daddy to be held. How wonderful to have that security.

Caralyn... had a disapointment.... she asked to be alone. When did she get to big for Momma's kisses and hugs to be good enough to scare away any hurts. She is so amazing and beautiful as well.

It is hard to watch them grow. It is hard to let them go. It makes me depend on my God more as I understand His heart for me! He watches me grow, thru pain and fears, and disapointments. I know HE would love for me to run into His arms for comfort.

I am thinking about spending more time in the arms of my Heavenly Father. I have a feeling the older my kids get, the more I am going to need it!!

I AM WORTH GROWING!

Thank you God!

May 18: Well hello there!!!!!!

I am so happy to be with you again! I have been inundated with life and children...and now I have my WONDERFUL LAPTOP back thanks to my generous husband! (love you babe!) SO now I have no excuse not to get back on track!

What have I learned thus far about my worth....my observations if you will :)

My life has really changed a lot actually. I feel much more calm about things. I feel like I value my time more and my surroundings.

I have really "cleaned" up my relationships and am spending more time with people who matter to me and less with the ones who were sucking the life out of me.

I am less likely to to start new relationships with people who have no gratitude in their speech. When someone complains all the time, chances are they will complain about me eventually.

I realize that the music I listen to needs to be life giving so I am now exclusively listening to christian music.

I am seeing the fruits in my family as they are treating themselves better and I am seeing less conflict with my kids.

I have been on FB a lot less... and found I survived!

I have really been focused on my marriage a lot more and in results my hubby and I have been on 4 dates in the last 5 weeks and have one planned for this weekend!

These are just some outside observations..... inside I really am starting to feel peace. This understanding of myself that I have never had before. I am worth knowing. It is a good thing!

Day 130: Celebrate!

I am worth celebrating!

Friday was my birthday. I had nothing special planned and really wasn't all that excited. Then I found out my mother-in-law was coming over to look after the kids so I could go to an early dinner with my husband. Nice! Very nice. I grabbed my movie cup (our theatre has special cups that we can get refilled for a buck all year long) because Iron Man 2 just opened, just in case. It turned out that my husband thought I was worth celebrating, too. We never went to the movie; instead we went to a baseball game, complete with a fireworks show. As if this weren't fun enough, after the game my favorite band, Jars of Clay, gave a concert for an hour!

Just dinner and a movie would have been swell. It felt so wonderful to celebrate and be celebrated. What a gift! And... upon further reflection, this is a gift we can give ourselves, too. Little splurges here and there (lunch out with a magazine, painting toes, buying a new pen in a fun color, eating dinner out on the patio) can help us celebrate. We're worth celebrating.

Day 121: Glimmer of Hope -- It's Working

Lost as I am in the whirlwind of teaching, grading, working and keeping house, I noticed something this week. I was still really tired but it has been the right kind of tired. The fact of the matter is I am busy all the time -- I accept that. But that I've-been-hit-by-a-bus tired hasn't been in the picture this week. Even on the tired days, I managed to get dinner made, get kids to bed, get schoolwork done (even if not as much as I'd like to see happen), get groceries, etc. I even smiled through it. So something is working.

I am worth the effort to take care of myself. Taking care of myself means:
*doing nothing for 20 minutes, at least twice a week
*taking my supplements (iron, Vitamin D and a few other things)
*getting some exercise (still shooting for daily...not quite there yet)
*cutting out sugar (oh. my. goodness. this is hard)
*ditching soda... again
*read for fun
*get outside for some fresh air daily
*acknowledge daily that there is only so much a human being can accomplish and be ok with that

There's more to do and learn, but for now this is plenty. When this stuff becomes routine, I'll add more.