Friday, May 21, 2010

Day 141: Change on the Horizon

There is change looming on my horizon, big change. This is the nature of life, I do realize, but it feels rather... daunting. As ever, there is much to do.

I will say that the dietary and supplement changes I've made have begun to make a tangible difference in my energy levels. There is still brain fog to deal with and the reality that I simply have too much to do all the time, but now I can actually make it to the end of the day without falling apart. And that sit-and-do-nothing-for-20-minutes homework? I love it! It actually feels like a gift to myself to shut my door and just relax for a few moments -- it's very refreshing. Exercising consistently still remains a lofty, unreached goal.

Changes, though, still need to be made. I need to get more brutal about the minutes I keep stealing from myself. The plan is to use my kitchen timer to keep myself on task. My hope is that I will regain some control over my lost minutes and also be a good example to my children. If I plan breaks into my day, maybe I won't be so tempted to "just check my email really quick." (We all know that "really quick" means an hour will pass without so much as a blink of the eye.) It's so tempting to hide from the many responsibilities I have, but it's never worth it at the end of the day.

I need to face impending changes in my 5 year old's schooling. He has apraxia of speech and we're scrambling to figure out the best way to handle therapy and academics -- we loved his preschool, but that time has come to an end. This sort of change is big and scary and full of "what if I make the wrong choice" worries. But worry, as my friend Jenni says, won't change the outcome. I need to just face the changes and make the best choices possible in the time I have.

What do these changes mean in terms of worth? It takes courage to see changes that must be made, especially changes with the potential to hurt while we heal part of our lives. It is going to hurt a little to work when I want to play. It's going to hurt a little to exercise and put other priorities aside so I can rest for a few minutes. It's going to hurt more than a little to go through another year helping my son to "fix his words." Even though these things upset me and scare me, I know that courage is fear that prays first. So I'll pray first, remember that nothing will happen today that God and I can't handle together, and then get on with the changes. I am worth cultivating courage. These changes are going to heal part of what's broken in my life.

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