Days 36-38: Just Keep Swimming

I feel like... Marlin, swimming with Dory, in Finding Nemo. I keep hearing Dory singing, "just keep swimming," but it's not me singing. (Yeah, I know. It's dangerous when you hear voices in your head... and you listen.) I feel like Marlin - lost and desperate.

I am desperate to get out of this slump, if that's what it is. I am desperate to feel relief. That bright idea I had about reorganizing my filing system was a good one, but it's still going to be the death of me. Let me just say that dying unto self just... sucks. It hurts. It's tiring. And the kicker? I won't actually be dead at the end of it. No... I'll just have to be glad I got done with a tough job, give myself a pat on the back, and then meet the next huge project (that would be grading my kids' papers). It's been four weeks of torture and I'll be done just in time for Lent. (I'm giving up paper cuts for Lent, by the way.)

That's the trick -- just keep swimming. Just keep shredding. Just keep going. It's been interesting to note that if I had changed my way of doing things sooner (yes, I've had this bright idea before), I would have already dealt with this mess. I would probably be happier right now because I wouldn't be reorganizing the files, wouldn't have been stewing about it for so long, would have been doing something more enjoyable. But on the other hand, all the yesterdays really don't matter at this moment. All anyone has is right now. Yesterday is over and done with (consequences notwithstanding) and tomorrow is a definite maybe at best. This moment, and what I do with it, is the only sure thing. (Remember what my husband said about being content with how each day is spent?)

So I can say today was mostly well spent, except for the parts I spent brooding in regrets. All I can do is keep swimming.

Day 35: Finding Joy in Small Things

I once remarked to a friend that there are days -- whole days -- that pass without so much as a smile. Not even a sad smile. I'm not sure when I lost my joy... actually I don't know that it's gone so much as much too subdued. I have a pretty good sense of humor under all the weight of the world I carry. My family is pretty funny, too. (My son's observation that the girl in King Kong was a "snackrifice" comes to mind... as does my daughter's announcement when she has "wiccups.") My kids laugh all the time. Though laughter is contagious, somehow I think I'm frozen more often than not -- it's not a pleasant way to live.

Obviously some digging needs to happen. Somehow the why behind this stunted emotional state needs to be uncovered. In the meantime, I've got to do something overt to keep from becoming a glacier in an Ice Age of my own making. I'm worth joy.

For today, I don't know what will help me laugh. I did smile at the wiccups... and the paper penguin puppet my son made... and when I popped the top of my Throwback Mountain Dew at lunch. I'm about to blast Muse songs at an obscene volume in the living room -- my children will roll their eyes at this, but I don't care. I might be the Mom, but I still get to be ME. And I like music.

Feb 4: 5 Years to get here... WHOOHOOOO

Let me just say God is good... but not just good.. GRAND... AMAZING... SOOOOOO GOOD TO ME!

I am elated today. My son Josef is a precious boy. Adorable.. Loving... scatterbrained... easily frustrated... lacks in following direction...
Sounds like a normal 10 year old boy. Except Josef struggles in school to the point that he has very poor marks and becomes very exasperated with the whole process.

We started talking to, paying for and seeking help, testing, more testing, inconclusive testing, great teachers, bad teachers, great teachers agian....all to say

WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My husband and I spent 2 hours in a meeting with the powers that be and they have a plan. They have an answer. I am so excited to see my son this morning feeling vindicated that he does try hard. He has an auditory memory and processing deficit.
He can not recall information or process what he hears when you talk to him completely. Example: you say "Josef please get a pencil, paper and clipboard" he hears clipboard... and nothing else.

He has been over compensating by deciding what he thinks needs to be done and becomes ridged in his thought not allowing him to change coarse very easily.

He will be having success finally through speech therapy twice a week provided by the school.

YEARS of "I think he has ADD" or "He is just being oppositional" or "he is simply not paying attention!"

Can you imagine how frustrating it is for him... everyday to be in a place where you just don't get it! Then to come home to parents who have been told "he is being lazy". God is going to use this in his life. I thank God he has such a great attitude, or it could have been a much more frustrating process.

WHOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I am so happy that he has a plan of action. He doesn't have to do lab or be in a LD class, simple to fix through therapy. They are even going to help us at home with retraining.

GOD IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

We are on our path to success! I know my son was worth the effort to get here. I am thankful that we never gave up on him, because God never gives up on us. We have a great example!

And THAT IS WHY GOD IS WORTHY OF MY PRAISE.

Joan

Day 34: Made Good on the Jammies

Score! I found two very cute (and comfy) pajama sets, on sale. I still had a little Christmas money left (I spent the rest on beading supplies), so I wasn't out much money at all.

My next "I'm worth looking cute" shopping task is to find new everyday Keds/casual shoes. My current pair is at least four years old and looking every day of that age. It's time to replace them. I do not have to look like Raggamuffin Mom. I want to be the mom whose kids are proud to show her off, even while simultaneously embarrassed.

February 2: I make you BIGGER!

Hello Followers!!

God is so good... He works all things together for his good for it says in His word that very thing.

Romans 8:27-29 (New International Version)

27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[a] who[b] have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

I went to the funeral of a beautiful woman the other day. I didn't know her personally as she was the mother of a fireman my hubby works with. I know her son. I respect this man.. he is such a kind hearted and wonderful man.. and I know he was taught that by this woman, his mother.

During the service the preacher of course talked about her as she was such an amazing woman of the word. He then offered this as part of the service.

"WE are to MAGNIFY HIS NAME! (yes he was yelling it as a proper black baptist preacher would..loved it!) To magnify is to make EVERYTHING ELSE smaller.. and the thing that you are focused on BIGGER, Make JESUS BIGGER, Make GOD BIGGER!"

WOW... that was it... I have been trying to conceive and making this process bigger than God. I felt convicted..not ashamed. I know now where my focus was and had to be. I want what God wants for me, there is nothing wrong in what I am doing....

except I was putting it in front of God. His will, His PERFECT will... in HIS TIME!

As it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."

— 1 Corinthians 2:9 (NIV)

God told me 5 kids. He told me when I was pregnant with my first. A girl, A boy, A girl, A boy, and A girl. His promise, His gift, His time.

Caralyn Grace 12, Josef Todd 10, Emma Rosalee 5, and John Alexander is 2 on the 19th of Feb. I put the pictures of the promise on the wall in my house with words that say "FAITH IS NOT THAT BELIEVING GOD CAN - IT IS KNOWING THAT HE WILL"

He even has named her.... her name is Sarah Elizabeth. Princess Consecrated to God... He has given me scripture concerning her... Luke 1:45 Blessed is she who believes what God has said would be accomplished".

Now I just serve Him while I am waiting, and yes I am still waiting as it was confirmed that I am not yet pregnant.

And that is why God is worthy of all my praise!

I am worth the wait.. for God is in the know!

Day 33: Like Dominoes, They Fall

Most of the time I truly like the hustle and bustle being a mother. There are times, however, when it becomes a bit much. Most of those times, for me, stem from the never-ending stress of a special needs child, balancing four kids within a relatively large age range, and just trying to keep up with everyone. (As you'll recall, this is part of my problem in general -- I tend to focus too much on what everyone else needs and end up burning out like a fizzling comet in August.) The latest calamity to hit our house is... a cold.

We're on the second kid now. Just when it seemed the first one was finally getting better, the next one succumbed. One kid? That's no problem. When it begins the slow spread and threatens to consume my small army, it's another matter entirely. We don't have time for this! I don't have time for this!

Calamities are a fact of life though, and they have to be anticipated to a point. There's no way to know what's going to happen. In the middle of illnesses, deadlines, projects, and the like, however, you can certainly see where you've been. If you've been using your time wisely (that whole being content in the moment with how you're spending the moment bit), then the odds are you'll weather the Interruption Du Jour. If you've been stealing time here and there and know that you've not spent your time well (or well enough), it's going to be much harder to avoid Cosmic Comet Burnout.

So this brings me back to the past month or so of thinking. I'm worth my time. This means I have to spend it a little better (well, a lot better... but let's not be hasty) by avoiding known time wasting black holes. For me, this means Facebook and fora - oh, how I love to chat with others and feel connected! But honestly I've spent many more hours doing those things than reading, than writing, than playing a game with my kids, than sprucing up my closet and home. It also means working some more on avoiding procrastination. It means alternating play and work (that timer idea I had last week) so that burnout is held at bay on an hourly basis right now.

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. Annie Dillard

Day 32: Time Out

Last Saturday I finally got together with a good friend of mine. We had such a nice time chatting - I've really missed her. I got a baby fix, got some good adult conversation, got to commiserate about parenting with a wide range of kids' ages. The important thing to note is that we did this without our children present (super cute nursing baby excepted... she's not going to rat us out any time soon).

And since we had such a nice time, my friend even suggested meeting up again in February - busy moms have to plan ahead! It's just so easy to let too much time slip by without taking care of ourselves and our friendships. I am absolutely worth a few hours of downtime with a friend.