I feel like... Marlin, swimming with Dory, in Finding Nemo. I keep hearing Dory singing, "just keep swimming," but it's not me singing. (Yeah, I know. It's dangerous when you hear voices in your head... and you listen.) I feel like Marlin - lost and desperate.
I am desperate to get out of this slump, if that's what it is. I am desperate to feel relief. That bright idea I had about reorganizing my filing system was a good one, but it's still going to be the death of me. Let me just say that dying unto self just... sucks. It hurts. It's tiring. And the kicker? I won't actually be dead at the end of it. No... I'll just have to be glad I got done with a tough job, give myself a pat on the back, and then meet the next huge project (that would be grading my kids' papers). It's been four weeks of torture and I'll be done just in time for Lent. (I'm giving up paper cuts for Lent, by the way.)
That's the trick -- just keep swimming. Just keep shredding. Just keep going. It's been interesting to note that if I had changed my way of doing things sooner (yes, I've had this bright idea before), I would have already dealt with this mess. I would probably be happier right now because I wouldn't be reorganizing the files, wouldn't have been stewing about it for so long, would have been doing something more enjoyable. But on the other hand, all the yesterdays really don't matter at this moment. All anyone has is right now. Yesterday is over and done with (consequences notwithstanding) and tomorrow is a definite maybe at best. This moment, and what I do with it, is the only sure thing. (Remember what my husband said about being content with how each day is spent?)
So I can say today was mostly well spent, except for the parts I spent brooding in regrets. All I can do is keep swimming.
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