Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Day 39-40: Confiding Secrets

When the downward spiral of depression is left in the darkness of a heart and mind to spin out of control, it just sucks the very life out of a person. It's like being drained from the inside out -- you know something isn't right at first but can't quite figure it out. Then as the darkness increases, you can't tell how dark it's getting. By the time you realize you're in trouble, it takes so much effort to even think about how to climb out of the pit you've found yourself in... and at that point, hopelessness becomes a mantra. It's also at this point that a lot of people scoff at themselves and deny they are depressed -- depression is still a dirty word. Depression is a dirty little secret, but it's a secret that needs to be outed.

I outed my secret to my husband, my parents, a few friends and my sister-in-law recently. It's uncomfortable to admit how close I've been to heading back to anti-depressants and a counselor. This is not to say that I find counseling and anti-depressants unhelpful. It occurred to me, however, that I've been there and done that and I saved my notes (literally). Why not at least start with what I know a counselor will ask me to start with? I pulled out my notebook from the last round of counseling and started forcing myself to do things like: reading, playing the piano, making jewelry, going outside in the sunlight on purpose. (Does all of that sound familiar?) And I told my secret to people I know I can trust to be honest with me. If my initial efforts to head off the darkness don't work, I know I can trust them all to tell me that I need more help. Why I didn't anticipate help and understanding is beyond me, but each person has offered tangible help in their own way. Yes, I have to fight the urge to tell them "no" because the truth is, I do need help staying afloat for the moment. Funny thing... they love me anyway.

I am worth telling my secrets because I am worth being loved.

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