Day 31: Pondering the Storm of Change

I've been thinking some more about all this change, the melancholy, the pain in my life, my lack of accomplishments, what I need to let go and what I need to cling to. I hid in a book on and off yesterday and today... I can only take so much introspection right now. But I keep writing things down here and there when something becomes clear.

One particularly clear, and painful, thought is how accomplished I've become at the art being plain, average and virtually unnoticeable. For the past 30 years, it would seem that this has been where much of my effort has gone. I rejected the knowledge of my music lessons because I felt I could not be perfect - also, people would notice me if I were actually any good at it. I rejected art, poetry, and writing in much the same way. (I should note here that my mother is quite a musician and artist. How my learning those things became a competition in my mind is baffling still.) If I had put half as much energy into becoming a writer, a poet, an intellectual as I have put into disappearing, well, I dare say I might actually be fairly amazing. This is not about putting myself down either. This is about taking a clear look at the truth, the way things currently stand.

Maybe this overwhelming sense of being adrift is indicative that I really am adrift. Certainly I lack clarity of vision right now. I don't really have a new worth statement today. The past 30 days have forced me to look at the past 30 years (I don't think I started to hide until about the age of 8 or so.) and account for my choices. Many of my choices were good and very right for me, but it would be dishonest to say that some choices might not have been better made.

One thing is sure: I have the same 24 hours everyone else does each day. They need to be better spent. My husband suggested I work on being content in each moment with how I am spending that moment. If I'm not content, then I need to ask myself what to change. It sounds so simple and so impossible at the same time.

Days 28-30: I Love a Good Story

I just finished the entire Twilight series. Wow. I feel a little... empty, dazed, and wistful. (Nothing I wasn't feeling before, but it's all stronger now.) I love getting wrapped up in a story -- that was a fabulous read. Don't gasp, but I actually read all four books twice in two weeks. (Yes, my bed still got made and I still made dinners, too.) Since I've been feeling so miserable, it's been necessary to anesthetize myself; I am grateful to Stephanie Meyer for providing a story in which I could safely suspend myself.

One of the benefits of reading is being able to think about your own life more objectively. You can compare your choices, your experiences, your motivations, your longings and such with many other people's (fictional or real) and observe the possibilities. The empty, dazed, and wistful feelings I have were already there, as I said. It was nice to read about how some fictional person dealt with her life... but I do have to figure out what to do with my life.

I do so love a good story. I want my life to be a good story. This past week I've found that I wish I understood myself better. I wish I understood other people better. I wish I could think straight -- these days it's tough to string more than 7 words together into anything coherent. I see a pattern of sameness that isn't to be confused with contentment and satisfaction. I have love, though, and for that I am very grateful. How to proceed from here... how to move out of the monotonous sameness into... whatever else there is, that's the question. I am worth whatever the answer to that question is. I am worth being a good story.

Day 30: Day in the life of trust...

Struggling today in waiting on God. I mentioned earlier in the year my hubby and I are trying to conceive.

I have 4 amazing children. I am blessed beyond measure.. but God told me I would have another child. I am not very good at waiting.

Lets be honest.. when I get an idea in my head I want it now...

But God's timing is perfect. It is hard not to get discouraged. I just want to trust him. I just need to trust him... but I am late. I am 6 days late.. and no positive pregnancy test.

I have to walk away from trying to conceive. But as my friend Lucy says "knowledge can be a burden". In this case I think it is. I have been reading up on conception and charting and natural family planning. I am more confused now then I have ever been.

I am laying this at your feet Lord. Take this from me... make it yours. Your glory, Your power, YOUR timing.

I love you Lord.

Amen
Joan

Day 28: Snowday in Oklahoma!

Today is a day at home with snow and ice covering the ground. Ran to the store first thing this morning and it was insane.. note to self.. don't wait til the last minute to go to the store when ice storm eminent!

Kids are all snuggled up with me on the couch and Daddy is getting some movies as it may be a long weekend here.

I need to really think about the next couple of days proactively. Maybe a game day is in order. I am not a big game player... I mean it is fun to play with a bunch of family, but when it is you and 4 kids who don't know the rules and it becomes this referee situation... I tend to get all worked up about it just thinking about it.

I and my kids are WORTH me trying to relax and let things be as they are and have fun with them playing games.... this is truly going to be a challenge as I can be a bit of a control freak.. ya think?

Day 27: Baby Steps

This was the first day I used the timer. I decided that 10-3 was a little long -- I ended up having to work on laundry, getting a kid to school, lunch, and something I already forgot about during what was supposed to be my free time. For a first day, though, it went fairly well. I was able to get some chores done (yes, I admit, it was the easier stuff like vacuuming and not the overwhelming stuff like filing), still paid attention to the small people in my life, and was even able to have a nice surprise visit with my mom. In all, I was fairly pleased with how the day went.

Day 26: Bath, Time

First off, I am worth a nice, hot soak. No hurries, no worrying about using up the hot water.

Second, it occurs to me that using a timer might be very beneficial right now. Hiding from what must be done isn't going to help anything. Attempting to pull of an 18 hour day with no breaks isn't going to work either. However, trying to tackle little pieces of the day and then rewarding myself with equal time to hide and fall to pieces just might... give me the gentle push I need to keep plodding on this path. The equal time part is important. I've tried this before by only giving myself a break equal to half of the time I've spent working - and that's probably good for times when everything is just busy but peachy. Right now is not that time! I've come to grips with the fact that I feel fragile beyond words.

As I sit here typing, I'm even going to dare to put a frame to the day. Between the hours of 10am and 3pm, I will use my timer. There's no sense in overdoing it - when someone wants to run a marathon, she doesn't just try to run a 26 mile practice run on the first day out. That's idiocy. No, I think giving myself a timeframe to work within makes it less intimidating. (I have to say that the baby steps I'm talking about are rather humiliating for me at the moment. But I am trying to think out loud here in the hopes that someone else in similar shoes who can't even think this concretely about how to start will have an idea.) I am worth the trouble of reigning in my time.
Give me a few days with this. I will report back.

Days 22-25: Weekly updates...Good for the soul

I am feeling much better! I appreciate the time to heal that my hubby gave me.. actually stayed in my bed all day Sat and Sun. Read a great book and recovered. I think that I haven't really been concentrating on my worth other then getting better. I enjoyed reading a Janet Oak book "The Courtship". It was funny, and not what I expected. I actually laughed out loud at some parts.

It is very good to take time to heal when you are sick. I watch so many women not take time to heal not just from sickness, but from any type of hurt. I know I have put my own health on the back burner to be present to my family and friends. It is vital that I am at my best to be the best for them... that is hard to accept.

I am definitely worth the down time for healing!

I may go to weekly updates as I learn more.. it may just be easier. Tomorrow I am going to a bible study at our church for the first time. I am looking forward to the fellowship and the time to learn about my Jesus!