I've been thinking some more about all this change, the melancholy, the pain in my life, my lack of accomplishments, what I need to let go and what I need to cling to. I hid in a book on and off yesterday and today... I can only take so much introspection right now. But I keep writing things down here and there when something becomes clear.
One particularly clear, and painful, thought is how accomplished I've become at the art being plain, average and virtually unnoticeable. For the past 30 years, it would seem that this has been where much of my effort has gone. I rejected the knowledge of my music lessons because I felt I could not be perfect - also, people would notice me if I were actually any good at it. I rejected art, poetry, and writing in much the same way. (I should note here that my mother is quite a musician and artist. How my learning those things became a competition in my mind is baffling still.) If I had put half as much energy into becoming a writer, a poet, an intellectual as I have put into disappearing, well, I dare say I might actually be fairly amazing. This is not about putting myself down either. This is about taking a clear look at the truth, the way things currently stand.
Maybe this overwhelming sense of being adrift is indicative that I really am adrift. Certainly I lack clarity of vision right now. I don't really have a new worth statement today. The past 30 days have forced me to look at the past 30 years (I don't think I started to hide until about the age of 8 or so.) and account for my choices. Many of my choices were good and very right for me, but it would be dishonest to say that some choices might not have been better made.
One thing is sure: I have the same 24 hours everyone else does each day. They need to be better spent. My husband suggested I work on being content in each moment with how I am spending that moment. If I'm not content, then I need to ask myself what to change. It sounds so simple and so impossible at the same time.
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