Today I had a lot on my plate (When do I ever not have much to do?) and the most dreaded task loomed before me for the entire morning. Yesterday I mentioned that this time of year makes me want to quit being me and throw in the towel - a big part of that anxiety is rooted in my fear of talking on the phone when I need something from someone and in my skewed perception of how others think of me. Long story short: I needed to talk to my accountant.
Now I just want to say that my accountant is a wonderful man. He's British, he's nice-looking, he's kind, he knows accounting, and he has really helped our business - what's there to be afraid of? Well, that's a good question with a cloudy answer. The problem is me. I get overwhelmed if I feel I can't do something perfectly the first time and am sure that other people think I'm an idiot. (Are you thinking back to your childhood school days and oral presentations? Remember how it never occurred to you that everyone else had to do the presentation, too? Remember how you felt that you were the one and only screw up and everyone was finally going to find out just how dumb you really were? Please... please tell me you remember that. I know I do!) I'm 38 years old and I still feel like a school girl hoping the teacher won't notice me in the back of the room.
One thing led to another today: I had to go to the bank, which meant I needed to write some checks, which meant I needed a bank balance to work from, which meant I had to reconcile two statements.... And after all was said and done, I was going to need to be able to do payroll at the end of the week, but my program needed to have old books closed out and new books opened. I needed to talk to my accountant. The anxiety was there all morning long... and still there at lunch... and still there in the early afternoon.
Did I not just finish telling myself, and you, that worry is my vice of choice? And did I not just say yesterday that I don't want to be worried, bitter, anxious and end up dead? So what choice did I really have? I needed to talk to the accountant and be done already. So... I emailed him. (I know... what a chicken!) Guess what? He asked me to call instead so he could walk me through the process of year end closeout. Guess what happened next? I called, we chatted, he didn't laugh at me or fire me as a client. He walked me through it. It was so stinking easy!
Did you hear that? It was easy! It really only took about 10 minutes. For years I have worried myself into grumpy hysterics over this. How ridiculous and silly! Fear absolutely steals our peace of mind and peace of heart. Fear and worry are a total waste of time and energy. I learned today that my perceptions are indeed skewed and I need to sort that out. I learned today that I am worth a 5 minute phone call and a 10 minute program procedure. I learned today that I am absolutely worth the peace of just asking for help when I need it. I am worth a peaceful heart and mind and to have that, I must let go of my anxiety.