Saturday, April 3, 2010

Day 93: A Quiet Afternoon

Sometimes, as I mentioned before, things just come together. It's been an interesting few days: lots of chaos, lots of sibling rivalry, lots of books and plans to be dealt with, lots of allergies and coughing. Today could have been a very ugly day; instead, the day has been a rather pleasant, quiet sort. I find myself sitting here after lunch with two resting children, two children and a husband out of the house, and me just... sitting.

Just sitting. Sure, there's plenty to do, but I can actually just sit and savor the quiet without any guilt. This is new for me. I'm the girl who doesn't like to be alone, who leaves a television on for white noise, who tries to fold laundry, talk on the phone and read all at the same time. But today, something fundamental is different. It would seem my naturopath's homework assignment for me, still largely undone, is having an impact.

I cannot remember a Saturday in which I did not feel self-loathing for putting off some sort of work. Am I simply being kinder to myself? Yes. Am I seeing a clearer picture of what's reasonable? Yes. Am I making better choices in the way I spend my time? Yes. Am I perfect at all of this? No way!

I am worth cultivating some true peace and quiet in the midst of chaos. Let's face it: life doesn't have a pause button, especially in a family of six. The work I've done for the past three months is starting to pay off. It is work trying to rein in the desire for instant gratification, the temptation to procrastinate, or juggle the constant demands for my attention; however, even my imperfect attempts to organize the chaos are having a positive effect. Those attempts, even the smallest ones, build on each other with the end result being precious minutes in which I am completely free to just... exist.

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