Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Day 96: Staying the Course

Today I just have a few random thoughts on keeping on track. My first thought is one of honesty and self-disclosure -- I am not good at staying the course! Oh, I have plenty of great ideas and fabulous intentions, but when my days start to run into one another and I can't see a glimpse of accomplishment, my staying power all but evaporates. So anything I have to say on this subject today needs to be read with that in mind. Maybe someday I'll have an epiphany and really get it.

I wish my life had a soundtrack. Have you ever noticed that even the boring parts of a movie at least have a background score? That score keeps the story moving and, just as we struggle to stay interested, fabulous editing and climactic music take us by surprise as we plunge into the next scene. Oh, if only my life were like this! I've tried turning on my iPod, but it's just not the same. But there's something to be said for at least attempting to construct a soundtrack. Maybe a soundtrack for chaotic days? One for boring days? One for chore day? Music has the power to move us physically and emotionally, not to mention spiritually. Music ought to be part of mucking through the boring parts of life -- maybe those parts wouldn't be as boring?

Boredom is yet another thorn in my side when it comes to my life. How on earth can I possibly ever be bored? There is teaching to do, grading to do, reporting to do, writing to do, chores to do, people to feed, stories to read, food to eat, bills to pay, love to embrace, God to worship, and a dog to pick up after -- when is there time to be bored? Ah! But that's just it. Boredom is as much a frame of mind as it can be lack of something to do. Truly I can say that I never lack something to do; it's all mental for me. Staying on task is a real struggle for me. Goodness, getting on track in the first place is monumental. (For the record, I'm fairly certain I do not have ADD. I think I have far too many choices and too many available distractions at my disposal. My pseudo-ADD is likely a result of living in American culture.) Most days I feel like I'm driving on an endlessly straight road with no trees, mountains, curves, cars, etc. to distract me -- and then I find myself veering off course to do wheelies and donuts in the grass next to the road. The problem with veering off course, of course, is that I sacrifice getting further down the road I need to travel.

Sometimes the problem has more to do with my life feeling like it's been put on pause while the other people in the household are on fast forward. Volume control is an issue in our house, too. The noise! Oh, the noise is paralyzing at times. It's tough to keep on task and stay focused with so much energy buzzing about.

Just how to relate this to my worth is a struggle. I'm not sure what the worth or value is yet. It's tied up in having worthwhile goals and dreams... but the specific "I am worth..." statement eludes me for now. It's difficult to be at peace with that unfinished business. AH! That's it!

Staying the course during the boring parts of life is learning how to make peace with unfinished business. Life isn't a movie (even an extended director's cut, lol) with a fabulous soundtrack and a neat, tidy ending in 120 minutes. Life is full of boring, unfinished business. There are parts of our lives that we will never see finished because the endings belong in someone else's life (thinking of the kids here). I still don't have a spiffy worth statement, but I'm a little closer to understanding how to gain peace with spinning my wheels. For now it's back to the grind.

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